Basic Military Laws - Just for Laughs

• Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
• Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
• Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
• The easy way is always mined.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
• If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
• If the enemy is within range, so are you.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
• Military Intelligence is a Contradiction.
• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
• When in doubt, empty your magazine.
• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
• Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
• The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
• The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
• The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
• If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
• To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
• The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the G-3.
• The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
• The crucial round is a dud.
• There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
• Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
• Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
• Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
• If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
• If you enter CO's office with an idea, most likely, you will leave his office with the CO's idea.
ONLY WAY TO AVOID A BULLET IS TO RUN FASTER THAN A BULLET

Dog Nap

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

He lives in a home with non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Kabir Ke Dohe

Chalti Chakki Dekh Kar, Diya Kabira Roye
Dui Paatan Ke Beech Mein, Sabit Bacha Na Koye

Looking at the grinding stones, Kabir laments
In the duel of wheels, nothing stays intact

My understanding of this Couplet:

Kabir essentially tries to imply here that in the life is like a grinding stone, turned around in circles, and we pursue it hard and harsh, Greed and Desires are two wheels of the stones, and when they are in full momentum, everything is ground to dust.

The taller the Greed and Desire, the shorter the happiness.

Rubaiyat of Khayyam : Omar Khayyam's Quartrains

At dawn came a calling from the tavern

Hark drunken mad man of the cavern

Arise; let us fill with wine one more turn

Before destiny fills our cup, our urn.

Meaning of it by the Lonewolf:

Morning arose to the weird call of the office and the Wife

Yet another trot back to the same old hag of Life

Awaken to such a day, it is better to fill another cup and sway

This maybe your last earthly cup and your last day

Jokes - Diary of a young Wife

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Smart Jury

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty,here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer,

knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:"Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

Put the Glass Down - Live your Life

An email i received one day had this nice philosophy being conveyed:

One day a Professor held out a glass of water in his hands and asked his students as to what the weight of the glass he held could be? Some said a 250 Mg, a 150 Mg and so on, and maybe if it could be measured the exact weight could be derived, so said some too.

The professor then went ahead to ask as to what would happen if the glass with the water was held for a longer time. An aching hand, said many. What if it were to be held for the entire day without putting it down, asked the professor, to which his students concurred that he would end up having a severe ache in the hands and it would go numb and he would require to treat his numbness.

Smiling away the professor too concurred with his students, and said that Life is like the glass and the water is the worries in them. So if you hang onto it for a longer time, you will end up with aches. So put the glass of worries down and get ahead with your life.

A nice philosophy indeed.

If life could be a glass of water;

and our worries just plain chatter;

If one could drink the worry away;

and flush it off the next day;

We would live Life smiling in every way.